Grandma Déjà vu

What’s a moment in your life that made you feel truly alive?

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I don’t know if this is a known grandparent phenomenon or what, but something wild is happening now that my granddaughter is two. A real little person. Sometimes she looks or plays in a certain way and I get a total flashback to her mother at the same age, and to me as a young mom. For a fleeting moment, it feels like seeing a snippet of my own life 30 years ago.

Any other grandparents know what I’m talking about? And does it have a name? The feeling is like memory, mixed with pride, mixed with longing, mixed with so much love. Grandma déjà vu is not a good name for it, but it’s all I got.

My daughter and me (1997, I think)
My daughter and my granddaughter this week

💕

But of course, your grandchild is not your child. They are their own new miracle of person. And your own miracle of a little girl has become this amazing unique adult woman, separate from you, and beyond your wildest dreams.

Grandmother stuff

Exciting news! A question has been answered:

And the answer is:

Yup, that’s right. I’m going to have another granddaughter and I’m thrilled.

There’s a new show on Apple TV called Margo’s Got Money Troubles and it’s really got me thinking about grandparents and the many different ways people inhabit that role.

We tend to think of grandmas as kindly, white-haired ladies that bake stuff and give you socks for Christmas. That’s pretty much how I think of my grandmothers. Both were widows for decades after their husbands died. (I never knew a grandfather) and both were wonderful, but very typical grandmothers to me and my sister. Interestingly, both played a very different role for my cousins (two sets of cousins on opposite sides of the family). One set of cousins lost their mother to breast cancer when they were tiny, so my grandmother (my mother’s mother) became their second parent. She moved in with them, cooked for them, taught them to read, etc. And my father’s mother did the same thing, but for a different reason. In that case, it was because my aunt and uncle worked 24/7 at their grocery store. It was a family business that required them to be gone all day long, so my grandmother did all their cooking, cleaning and childcare until my cousins were grown.

So, one woman can be two different “types” of grandmother, depending on the circumstances of her adult children.

In the show, Michelle Pfeiffer (age 68, but looks younger) becomes a grandmother unexpectedly after her daughter (played by Elle Fanning, age 28) gets pregnant accidentally in college—via her lit professor—and decides to keep the baby. Michelle Pfieffer’s character has been a single mom and Hooters waitress who had hoped her daughter would have a better life. She’s about as far as you can get from the white-haired, baking stereotypical Grandma.

There are other great characters of my generation in this show. Nick Offerman (age 56) plays Elle Fanning’s biological father, who was not around at all while she was growing up, but appears on the scene straight out of rehab. He’s a former pro wrestler who may or may not have been Michelle Pfeiffer’s one true love. He needs a place to stay and ends up moving in with his daughter and helps care for his grandson, while his daughter tries to make some money for them to live on. (Enter “Only Fans”) Offerman is SO good in this unique role. I’ve really never seen a grandfather presented in this way.

And then there’s Greg Kinnear (age 63). He plays the guy Michelle Pfeiffer is planning to marry. He’s a stable, kind, quiet churchgoer who devoted his entire life to his parents, until they died. Michelle Pfeiffer is his first girlfriend – ever. Kinnear is also terrific in his role. He turns what could have been a silly joke of a man (a Mamma’s Boy extraordinaire) into someone understated and complex. I’m actually really rooting for him too.

In any case, there are many different ways people become grandparents and fulfill the role. I really had no idea how I would fulfill the role before my granddaughter was born. How much would I be needed? Or wanted?

One online resource I wish I’d discovered earlier is: More Than Grand. (Yes, they are trying to selling you some products, but the advice delivered through their social media posts and blog is very solid and helpful.)

Finally, if you’re not following Red’s Wrap here on WordPress, you’re missing out on a fantastic writer. Jan is a REAL writer (unlike me). She will touch your heart in a way similar to great talents like Anne Lamott. Tragically, Jan lost an adult daughter to a heart defect recently and is now caring for a 4-year old granddaughter in her late 70s.

So many different ways women are fulfilling the role…

Watercolors—baby farm animal #5

OK, last farm animal from my 5-week paint-along class and it’s not a baby! It’s a full-grown cock 😜

The teacher asked me point blank if I plan to return for the next session, which was awkward. I mean…I had some fun and learned a few things, but this paint-along-with-the-teacher style class is not really for me. I asked her to “please keep me on the mailing list.” Maybe I’ll return if she chooses a subject I really want help with, like sunsets.

Thank you to my very awesome WordPress blog friends who have patiently looked at all of my BFAs.

🙏🏼

By the way, “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” is one of my granddaughter’s favorite songs and I absolutely love singing it with her. It’s fun to take a long pause before you sing the next animal’s name. It adds drama and excitement!

The great joy of family 2.0

Yesterday we got together at my daughter’s house in central Massachusetts. My son drove out from his new apartment in the city. My daughter cooked a lovely meal for us. My granddaughter was able to sit at the table with us in her high chair. She watched us eat and talk and occasionally dropped one of her plastic stacking rings on the floor for someone to retrieve.

There were six of us around the table. And I loved it so much. My heart is full.

Beautiful cupcakes made from scratch by my daughter for our first family meal at her house with my baby granddaughter at the table 💕

Grandmother love

Before I became a grandmother, I asked a couple of people to describe how it felt to have a grandchild. I wanted to know exactly how it felt, as compared to becoming a parent. Do you love the grandchild just as much as your own children? Or is it a little bit less…like a “once removed” sort of feeling? How did you feel during labor & delivery? Do you worry about the baby’s health and safety constantly, like you did with your own children, or are you able to leave the worrying to the parents? Would you throw yourself in front of a moving train (or jump into the shark tank at the aquarium) to save a grandchild? Did you love the grandchild immediately (like a parent does) or do they need to grow on you over time?

Inquiring minds wanted to know!

To be honest, I never got a good, straightforward, detailed answer. Everyone just said things like “it’s amazing.” Some said, “it’s even better than being a parent.” My own mother said it was “exciting.” (Gee mom, that’s all you got? Not much of a description!) My sister-in-law said she “just wanted to cry.”

So, I’m going to go ahead and answer my own questions for other inquiring minds:

Do you love your grandchild just as much as your own children?

Yes. And I felt love the minute I saw the detailed ultrasound pics, with a clear little head and hands. It was primal. I wanted to cry. And the feeling of holding my child’s child for the first time was like…experiencing the greatest gift the universe has to offer. There’s no emoji for it!

Or is it a little bit less…like a “once removed” sort of feeling?

No, it’s not a once removed feeling. It’s actually doubled, because you love their parent so much too. It’s like you love each of them individually and you also love & celebrate the parent/child “couple.” I like happy pictures of my daughter and granddaughter together almost as much as cute pics of the baby alone.

How did you feel during labor & delivery?

Extremely anxious! Not going to lie—it was not fun! It may be worse when it’s your own daughter in labor.

Do you worry about the baby’s health and safety constantly, like you did with your own children, or are you able to leave the worrying to the parents?

Fortunately my granddaughter was born healthy to two responsible parents, so I do not worry about her healthy and safety constantly. But I do worry. I worry about infectious diseases and environmental toxins. I also worry about car accidents.

Would you throw yourself in front of a moving train to save a grandchild, if you had to?

Yes

Do you love the grandchild immediately (like a parent does) or do they need to grow on you over time?

For me, it was immediate.

My granddaughter is just under six months old, so that’s my report for now!

Here’s a throwback photo that my parents included in a slideshow they made me for my 50th birthday. I’m assuming my mother felt something like I do now.

The Circle Game

Today my baby girl turns 30 and I am verklempt 🥺. When I turned thirty, I had the cutest little 4-month old baby girl. And now history is repeating itself and my daughter has the sweetest little 4-month old baby girl. It’s a joy and a blessing almost too poignant for words. It’s like once you have a child of your own, you finally understand how much your mother loves you.

Joni Mitchell’s song The Circle Game keeps playing in my head and bringing a tear.

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar 
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder 
And tearful at the falling of a star 

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams 
Words like when you’re older must appease him 
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round 
And the painted ponies go up and down 
We’re captive on the carousel of time 
We can’t return we can only look 
Behind from where we came 
And go round and round and round 
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now 
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town 
And they tell him take your time it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down 

And the seasons they go round and round 
And the painted ponies go up and down 
We’re captive on the carousel of time 
We can’t return we can only look 
Behind from where we came 
And go round and round and round 
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty 
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There’ll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through

And the seasons they go round and round 
And the painted ponies go up and down 
We’re captive on the carousel of time 
We can’t return we can only look 
Behind from where we came 
And go round and round and round 
In the circle game

© March 22, 1966; R. Joan Mitchell, then August 22, 1966; Gandalf Pub Co

1995
2025

What exactly did he say?

From People magazine:

The Republican vice presidential candidate said that having a grandparent around the house made his son “a much better human being.” He continued, “And the evidence on this, by the way, is, like, super clear.“

“That’s the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female in theory,” Weinstein interjects, as Vance says, “Yes.”

As a post-menopausal female, I can tell you that seeing my granddaughter once a week (and providing my daughter a bit of support by way of groceries, baked goods, diaper changing, etc) IS the greatest joy in my life right now.

Have I told you how absolutely adorable my granddaughter is??? I miss her the minute I get home. She is just the cutest little snuggle bunny ever! And her mommy is doing such a great job taking care of her, that I can truly just do the fun stuff like look at board books with her, stage monthly thematic photo shoots, and dance with her in the kitchen.

I know that I have been given a great gift in that I had the financial ability to retire “early” at about the same time I became a grandma. And also, that my daughter and her family live nearby.

So back to JD. I don’t like him. He’s an arrogant little shit who reminds me of the worst millennial coworkers I ever had. (They think they know everything.) But, unlike some of my friends, I’m just gonna let that particular comment go. We have much bigger problems now.

New Year’s feelings

This New Year’s is getting me down. I had so hoped that 2025, the year I turn 60, would be the year we’d finally stop seeing his ridiculous orange face and hearing his racist, lying voice forever. I had thought if we could just get through the November election, he’d fade from our consciousness. I worked hard to try to make that happen.

Instead, the shitshow continues. All the anger, fear and bitterness of the past nine years is back. I’m suspicious of old friends who seem to blame all their problems on immigrants. I’m worried that racism or god forbid—gun violence—is going to affect my family. I’m so sad for the planet. I’m scared that our new leaders are truly just self-dealers.

I used to want to try to make the world a better place for all our children and grandchildren. Now I just want to try to protect my own children and grandchild in whatever way I can.

All the expansive positivity, American pride, and hopefulness for all women I felt watching Kamala Harris accept her nomination for president is gone.

I am taking solace in the unparalleled personal, private, internal joy of becoming a grandmother. Maybe my love for this one child will save me.

The first time I got to hold my granddaughter was magical. I loved her immediately. (Photo taken by my daughter 9.24.24)