Single motherhood

~ MaryG

What’s something you used to worry about but don’t anymore?

I used to worry that something would happen to my husband before our kids grew up. I worried that he’d die and I’d be left to raise them alone. We never had life insurance policies. (Too expensive) When I had just one child (my daughter), I figured I could manage. Somehow, she and I would get by. After my son was born six years later, I was really dependent on my husband (and his income). I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own without help.

Sometimes now, I just revel in the relief of having them both grown and living independently. I am here if they need me, of course, but they don’t NEED me, need me—in that food/shelter/life/death kind of way—anymore. Phew.

I still worry about my husband dying, but it’s more about me now. How would I change the water filters on my own? Or reprogram the sprinklers after a power outage? Who would watch Masterpiece with me??

Nantucket, 2007
I sometimes found raising two kids hard with two parents on the job—literally, one for each kid. We also had a helpful set of grandparents nearby. Hats off to all the women who raise children completely on their own. Some of them do it so brilliantly, but I’m glad I don’t have that particular worry anymore.

26 thoughts on “Single motherhood”

  1. Beautiful pic Mary! I found this really interesting!! My spouse dying was never once a worry of mine for some reason. Does that make me a psychopath lol
    I worried more about me dying when my kids were small.

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    1. Thank you! I think I worried about me dying too, but mostly him. For a variety of reasons, he seemed way more likely to kick the bucket early. Plus, if I died, it wasn’t really MY problem, lol

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  2. Interesting narrative Mary,
    Having lost my Mum at the age of 14 and knowing how that felt from a child’s point of view I vowed never to have children if I wasn’t in a secure relationship.
    However we are not always totally in control of that. And as you say someone can die unexpectedly or in my case you can think you have chosen the right person and then discover later that their commitment doesn’t match your own.
    I tried for 8 years to make my marriage work, despite him often being absent from the marital home but eventually through counselling realised that I needed to make a decision to leave.
    The next 13 years on my own as a single parent were hard and I was definitely juggling a lot of balls with very little support from anyone else but “what doesn’t break you makes you stronger” as they say 😊

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  3. I know just how you feel. And I am so grateful my children are independent and do not need us financially. I, too, wonder how I would manage the everyday things if my husband dies first. Always some worry, isn’t it? And, yes, hats off to all the single mothers who raise children on their own.

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    1. True, there’s always some worry. On the flip side, sometimes I imagine my second husband: he’s about 15 years younger than me and absolutely LOVES to travel. (kidding – sort of 😜)

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  4. I sometimes don’t feel like we actively raised the kids together, but to have also had to cover things financially is something I’m thankful not to have gone through. It was not easy! Two of my three are still not in a place of supporting themselves entirely, but I at least feel like they ‘could’ if something happened to either of us.

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    1. It’s funny how tiny things make you know your kids will be OK without you. My son recently sent me a Snapchat of the annual inspection sticker on his car (a requirement in MA). I didn’t have to remind him. He just went and got it inspected on his own. I was like OK, he’s fully launched!

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      1. Yes! Those are wonderful little moments that signify much more!

        I still sometimes feel like my son’s calendar, but then when I was away in TN, I was sure he would miss the dog’s grooming appointment and kept checking my phone to make sure. But it was fine. Everything was fine. 🙂

        So, not ‘fully launched’ but signs we’ll get there. lol

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  5. I honestly don’t know how single parents do it. I’m really amazed by them. They deserve a gold star.

    When my friends had their second child, they said it got exponentially more difficult. You go from playing zone defense to man to man. It makes me wonder how my mom corralled us four kids every day. I’m just glad she didn’t wind up in the looney bin.

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    1. I know. That’s why my kids are six years apart in age. I really couldn’t imagine having two babies/toddlers with all the pressures we had back then. Your mom is a hero! And she worked as a teacher too, right?

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      1. So smart. Spacing them out makes sense. Plus only one in college at a time. My mom was a stay at home mom until we were older. Then she went back to teaching when we were in high school. I’m not sure which one was less tiring.

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  6. I used to think about this all the time because my dad died when I was 11, and my mom was so utterly destroyed by it that she neglected me throughout her years of depression. That made me less afraid of being a single parent and more determined to do mindful job parenting, no matter how many people were on the team and in what position, as @MyGenXLife says, above.

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    1. Gah, sorry, @MyGenExerLife. I have the hardest time with that blog title, me the owner of the longest, stupidest blog title ever.

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    2. You definitely have a unique perspective on this Shelly. Rather than make you terrified, your own past tragedies made you a more mindful parent. That’s awesome. And you raised a PhD physicist no less! 👏

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  7. Isn’t it amazing the fears we carry around on our backs and how they can effect our lives? My mother died when I was young so my biggest concern was leaving my young daughters motherless. In hindsight I can see that this influenced my determination to make them both resilient, independent and successful human beings.

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    1. It sounds like you accomplished your mission – in spades. Well done May! And sorry you lost your mother young. It seems many others here lost parents while still children too 😢

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  8. That shift from “they NEED me” to “they’re here if they need me” is such a real milestone, and the way you named it made me smile. The “who would watch Masterpiece with me?” line got me too, it’s the small daily companionship we forget to picture. As a parent still in the thick of raising ours, this was a hopeful glimpse ahead. And that Nantucket photo is a gem.

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  9. That’s such an awesome milestone, Mary, having grown children who are living on their own with families of their own! I’m really looking forward to that stage. Your questions are tough ones! Luckily, we have YouTube to help us figure them out, though I know it’s just not the same.

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    1. Thank you Edward! I feel really fortunate that my kids are launched, but of course nothing in life is assured. I do worry about all the bad things that CAN happen, but so far, I’ve been so impressed with their competence and overall “adulting.” And good point about YouTube – I could probably change the water filters if I really had to. 🤣

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      1. You’re welcome! It’s so great to see children transition into adulthood successfully. Hey, aside from YouTube, Lowe’s has a new home maintenance plan that I just learned about over the weekend. It’s $99 a year, and they come to your house to change water and air filters, check smoke detectors, etc. Just awesome! 😂

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