Inferiority complex

~ MaryG

I have fond memories of two women with whom I studied abroad in fall 1985. We were in Rome.

One woman went to the same college as me and we stayed friends when we got back to our campus in Connecticut. We kept in touch after graduation. For years, she would call me on my birthday. I’d pick up the phone and she’d just say “Ciao Maria” and I knew exactly who it was. She was a bit mysterious and I typically had to wait for her to call me. I rarely had contact info for her. And then, after a number of years, she vanished. No social media profile, no alumni directory info, not on LinkedIn. I really don’t know what happened to her. I miss her sometimes, but whenever I’ve googled her, I come up empty. (I once sent off an email to what I thought might’ve been her work address, but never heard back.)

The other woman was my roommate in Rome. We didn’t go to the same college, but got along great. She went to an Ivy League school and was planning to become a doctor. We did not keep in touch after Rome, but I was always grateful to have had her there with me. Welp, I googled her this week and found out she’s a renowned plastic surgeon with her own skincare line. She’s helped all kinds of people—from burn victims to trans people needing gender-affirming care. She’s got a podcast and does all kinds of great work in the wellness arena too.

I reached out via instagram and she was happy to hear from me. We then texted a bit and I sent her some old photos from our time abroad. Perhaps we’ll get together at some point, but probably not. It’s been over 40 years since I’ve seen her. I had forgotten that two of the other women in the program were friends of hers from high school. She said the three of them “see each other all the time.”

I’m left feeling both completely inferior (a renowned plastic surgeon!) and sad that I lost my real friend from Rome (the one I stayed in touch with for years) while she’s still palling around with her old friends.

Sometimes you should just let the past stay in the past, I guess. Maybe that’s the lesson.

My two “friends for a season” on the right, partying in our convent dorm room in Rome, Italy, 1985.

23 thoughts on “Inferiority complex”

  1. Friends come and go from our lives with startling frequency. No need to feel regret for losing touch, just cherish the memories. I recently reconnected with an old teenage pal and after a three hour lunch realized we had very little in common anymore.
    Life happens.
    😉

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  2. I find this so interesting. Because it’s so common i guess. And it took me 40-some years to realize it! I grew up foolishly thinking friends were forever, they’re actually not though. Yep, friends for a season, what can you do?!

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    1. It seems like a few friends are “forever,” but it’s FAR fewer than you would’ve imagined when you were younger and hanging around with tons of peers all the time! Adulting can be isolating.

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  3. This totally resonated with me. I lost touch with a friend when I lived abroad. About once a year I Google him, hoping I’d find a bread crumb. Sad to lose touch.

    It’s difficult not to score keep with other people’s lives. Some people are just extraordinary, like your friend from Rome. But what I gather from reading your blog, you’ve accomplished the best thing ever: a warm loving family, with happy kids who are venturing out into the world to start their own lives. And your adorable grand child…. I’m glad you’re leaning in to your grandparent role. I watched my parents totally embrace it with their six grandkids and you can’t put a price on that amount of joy. I’m sure you’ll experience this as well.

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  4. Yes, sad to lose touch. It has just happened to me with a summer friend I have known for over 30 years. Each summer she comes to Maine, and we get together. This year I haven’t heard from her. I have emailed a couple of times and sent a card to her winter home. Nothing. As she is in her 80s, I am afraid it is health related. Sigh. Keep checking the obituaries but so far ther has been no notice of her death. Anyway, great that you connected with one of your Italy friends.

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    1. Oh dear! I hope your summer friend is OK. My parents still send Christmas cards every year just to let people know they’re “still alive,” as they say.

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      1. I just heard from my friend! She has been having computer problems and couldn’t get back to me. Actually, didn’t know I had gotten in touch with her. It wasn’t until she received a card I sent that she knew I was worried about her. Anyway, she is in Maine, and we are getting together next Tuesday. A happy ending!

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  6. This is really touching. Yes, we should allow the past to stay in the past. But I really hope your first friend is okay wherever she might be right now. Thank you, MaryG, for sharing this touching story

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  7. I agree that sometimes we do need to let the past just remain in the past. And sometimes we need moments like this just to remind us of how important that is.

    It’s amazing when you run into someone like this we haven’t seen in decades. Because even though we know better, in some little corner of our minds, we think of that other person as being frozen in time – the same person that they were 40 years ago.

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