Supporting parents over non-parents?

~ MaryG

Sharing financial resources is a zero sum game. Someone’s gain or increase is going to be someone else’s loss.

Do you think parents of adult children have an obligation to financially help the ones with children of their own more than the ones who do not have kids? Or do you think parents should always maintain total equality in the ways they divvy up their support to adult children?

I have been on one end of this dilemma for over 30 years. I’m the one who stayed married and raised a family. My sibling had a lavish wedding (in two locales), but quickly divorced and had no kids. She never found a career she enjoys and is frequently unemployed, despite being very highly educated.

Now I am temporarily (hopefully) on the other end of it. My son currently only has himself to take care of and my daughter is building her family.

Hypothetically, if you had 10K to share at Christmas, would you give each one 5K? Or would you take into account the selflessness and outrageously high cost of raising a child through college and tip the scale towards the parent?

I think maybe you can tell which way I lean, but I know that there are strong counter arguments.

If you’re childless and found out your parents gave your sibling more money than you in their estate plans, how would you feel? Would you feel as if they didn’t value your life as much as theirs? Or would you understand that grandchildren were factored in?

What about an opposite situation, where parents support a single, childless adult daughter more than another one who had the benefit of a husband’s income? Do singles deserve more support than those who married and raised children?

Curious for your thoughts.

24 thoughts on “Supporting parents over non-parents?”

  1. A very long time ago my grandmother gave away $10k each Christmas as a tax deduction, and she always gave it to (unmarried) me and not to my married sister. It really ticked my sister off. Our mom tried to explain it by guessing that old-fashioned thinking was that my sister was taken care of financially (she actually really was) whereas I was a loose cannon; it could be I would never earn a cent of my own and never marry. It was logical I would receive money and she would not. I was happy for it and went along with the reasoning. My sister was mad for the rest of her life. She changed her last name after her divorce not to the last name she started with (same as that grandmother) but to the other side of the family, and when she died I found photos of us with that grandmother—with that grandmother’s image bent back or cut out. She was pissed forever, even though she was wealthy and I was not.

    Seems to me now that the only fair thing—in that situation—was for the money to have been divided equally. Who knows what’s going to happen, and really who cares. It’s not for us to try to guess or to judge. Just divide it up and be done with the thinking about it.

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  2. A very long time ago my grandmother gave away $10k each Christmas as a tax deduction, and she always gave it to (unmarried) me and not to my married sister. It really ticked my sister off. Our mom tried to explain it by guessing that old-fashioned thinking was that my sister was taken care of financially (she actually really was) whereas I was a loose cannon; it could be I would never earn a cent of my own and never marry. It was logical I would receive money and she would not. I was happy for it and went along with the reasoning. My sister was mad for the rest of her life. She changed her last name after her divorce not to the last name she started with (same as that grandmother) but to the other side of the family, and when she died I found photos of us with that grandmother—with that grandmother’s image bent back or cut out. She was pissed forever, even though she was wealthy and I was not.

    Seems to me now that the only fair thing—in that situation—was for the money to have been divided equally. Who knows what’s going to happen, and really who cares. It’s not for us to try to guess or to judge. Just divide it up and be done with the thinking about it.

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  3. After my niece was born, i was moved into the middle child role (I have no children) and forgotten. Even though they said the were financially equal, I know that that’s a lie.

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      1. Thanks but not to much different than growing up, my older brother got most of the attention due to his bipolar nature. But on the flip side, I got away with so much stuff hehehe😉🤫

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  4. I’m married w/o kids. My siblings all have kids. I’m fine if the distribution factored in the grandchildren. Their grandparents. That’s part of the joys of the job. Maybe it’s in the communication. The children are given the same amount. And then there is an additional allowance towards the grandkids.

    Now the other situation of the adult child. Highly educated, without children, unemployed and living off the parents. If there aren’t any circumstantial issues or health related considerations, then I may call it what it is – that person is a bum. Sounds harsh, maybe. Parents are not doing any favors carrying them on their payroll. When will they grow up to be self sufficient? If the adult child was given advanced notice they would have to support themselves (ie move out and pay their own bills), they would be forced to kick it gear. Pain points are not fun, but a pretty good motivator.

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    1. I very much appreciate your perspective as the sibling without kids in your family. “Maybe it’s in the communication” is a key point. Thank you!

      Regarding the other scenario, I’ll just say that Peter Pan Syndrome is real and sadly many parents are unable to tolerate adult children who are not “happy.”

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      3. She’s working and not relying financially on her siblings. Her challenge was making decisions on basic things she’s never had to make decisions on before. She’s a really nice woman and she’s turned the corner and doing better. It was so difficult for her because she never had to be an adult before. We are rooting for her.

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  5. I don’t think there’s one straight answer, Mary. Our daughter is married, but our son who is single makes more than her and our SIL collectively. For now, we keep things equal, so our daughter and SIL have to share whatever they get and our son seems to get more. I’ve struggled with this too, but why punish our son who is single by giving him less? Also, there are no grandkids in the picture, and not sure if there will be. We’re okay with this. Either way will be fine. The world is going crazy and so is our country, so our wish is for our children to stay happy, healthy, and safe. 🥰

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective Lauren. I would definitely split equally if there were no grandkids involved. As you said, the world is going crazy right now and I feel like we need to support young parents more than ever.

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  6. I’m an only child. When my father died my mother bought a large house with my aunt (a widow). She paid half the purchase price but when they both passed it was split into thirds because the aunt had two children. Which I didn’t think was fair.
    It’s a slippery slope.
    I totally think grandchildren should be in a will but since I don’t have siblings I’m not going to weigh in on that one.

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  7. Because my kids will never read this, I can say I actually give more money total to the one who is the most self-sufficient. It’s because she’s actively building and I think, if something happened, she’d be the one to take care of the others. None of my kids have kids, though. When the kids were little we did receive money from my ex’s parents occasionally, but I knew his single siblings were also receiving. I think walls are good and I’m not sure each needs to know what is given to the others, outside of the final inheritance.

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing this Stephanie. “Walls are good” is interesting. I agree, but young people are so open about money now. I feel like they just say whatever they have/got and you need to have justifications.

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  8. I think you support the one who needs it, regardless of status. I think an estate is different, and it’s best to explain to all beneficiaries how the estate assets will be distributed ahead of time to avoid fighting. A meeting with everyone present is best, in my opinion.

    For the $10k, I would just put it in a savings account to use in case of an emergency. It’s there not to earn a lot of interest, but to be available if one of the kids or grandkids needs a little help. That is what we are doing for our parents and kids.

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    1. That’s a good thought. I could just keep it in a high-yield savings account and wait for someone to express a specific need. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Edward.

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