Eldest Daughter Syndrome

~ MaryG

If you had a time machine and could send just one message to your past self, what would it say?

I don’t know if everyone knows this or not, but there’s an entire corner of the internet dedicated to “Eldest Daughter Syndrome.” It seems like it applies largely to immigrant families where the oldest daughters and/or oldest granddaughters get stuck with a LOT, like becoming the family’s default adult long before they’re actually adults, translating for parents, managing paperwork and appointments, mediating conflicts, supervising younger siblings, and generally absorbing emotional labor that “should” belong to a parent. The pattern often continues into adulthood.

Now, I’m not saying I had to do any of that really hard stuff. (I’m a third generation immigrant. My parents were both born here and did fine. My grandfather was born in Italy and died young, and my grandmother was illiterate in both English and Italian, although she spoke and understood English just fine.) Still, I do relate a bit to the Eldest Daughter problems that other women describe. Being the oldest, I think I tried too hard to please my parents. I cared too much what they thought. As I’ve mentioned many times, I was raised Catholic. I think I took the fifth commandment “Honor thy Mother and Father” too seriously. I tried too hard to be perfect — for them. Also, I was made to feel responsible for some of my sister’s problems, which were completely beyond my control.

So, I guess my message to my younger self would be, don’t worry so much about what Mom and Dad think, especially Dad. It’s OK to disappoint them. You do you.

Perfect me with my father and sister on my First Communion day. That dumb veil pinched my head so much.

16 thoughts on “Eldest Daughter Syndrome”

  1. Hugs to you and you look adorable in the pic!
    Yes on the immigrant stuff (was just my mom) but it was also the times in which we (I was) were raised—parents controlled nearly everything (except oxygen) and in our family at least, they were the primary unit and I felt like the kids were “supplementary” to the success of the unit. Btw, a Protestant household, but Daddy’s approval counted, til it was too hard to jump for, still, loved the parental units (yeah, Stockholm syndrome—only half kidding here)—and hearing friends’ stories, maybe more normal than I felt at the time.
    It was also the fact the first two were g-i-r-l-s, and then the prince was born, 9 years later—ha!
    Thx for sharing and life is good—make the most of it, gf.

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    1. Thanks for sharing. I agree that it was partially the times…parents were all powerful back then. Mine were mostly good, but still there were problems. (Really nothing compared to what I read from first gen daughters.)

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  3. Great photo!
    I get this a bit, even though I’m the middle child, just the parent pleasing stuff and learning throughout life to cut the cord and just do what I think is right.
    Although I do completely understand the eldest child stuff and I am really the complete opposite, I see the memes and I send them to either my oldest kid, my older sister or my cousin who is an eldest child too.

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  4. This is feeling a bit like one of those cultural difference things. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of the “ eldest child “ syndrome. Maybe as you say it was associated with immigrant culture whereas here people spent masses of time tracing their genealogy back centuries.

    However “ middle child “ syndrome is definitely a thing here. The eldest child is exactly that, the apple of mum n dad’s eyes because they were the first child. The youngest is the “ baby of the family” and also much beloved. The middle child then has no place particularly if by chance the youngest is also the opposite sex e.g. mum n dad have two boys n then a girl or the opposite two girls n then a boy. The youngest is then not just the baby but also the longed for baby boy or girl.

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    1. Yes, I know Middle Child has their own set of issues! Here, the classic middle child meme is Jan from the Brady Brunch: “sure, Jan” lol

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  5. Oh, I relate to this one so much. Being the oldest daughter can come with a weird sense of responsibility for everyone and everything, even when nobody actually asked you to carry it. I learned early to monitor moods, fix things, keep the peace, and worry about what everyone else thought. I’m still unlearning some of that. So yes to your message to your younger self: it’s okay to disappoint them. You do you. ❤️

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    1. Thanks for commenting Kari. Oldest daughters unite 🙌🏼

      I find it helpful advice to internalize that “You weren’t born to carry the weight of others’ expectations. You’re allowed to choose yourself, even if it disappoints someone.”
      ❤️

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