18 thoughts on “Letting go of anger”

  2. That’s a toughy….I think it depends on what happens if you continue not to receive the apology…will you eventually let it go, how will it affect relationships….how important is this person to you, is it worth it to even let them get inside your head?

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  3. For me, anger is like a fire, and I just have to wait until it burns down, which it eventually does. In the meantime, I try—and usually succeed—not to speak or act in anger. Of course, being human, I sometimes flare up and almost always regret it. Another thing to keep in mind—we all think we are in the right. This includes the person with whom we are angry. Rarely does a person say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.” Sometimes, but not very often. At least in my experience.

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    1. Thanks for this reply Laurie. It helps. I think not seeing them for a good long while might help. It’s hard, because they WERE wrong and caused a great deal of upset. I think you’re right that Silence is better than speaking in anger.
      Thanks again.

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  4. It’s a hard one and I can see the broad answers which I have nodded as I read through them.

    There is no right or wrong answer. But it does take some working out. It did me.

    For me, was carrying stuff from childhood. Although I carried stuff with regards to both parents, my main one and big one was my feeling towards dad. Hence when I have blogged about my parents and as here, you will hear or read me saying “my mum.” But you won’t hear the “my” in front of dad. I will just write dad.

    I had a lot of anger and I had it for many years. I was carrying also guilt about my dog that I had in childhood, that I didn’t realise I was carrying until my counselling sessions in adult life.

    Dad died when I was a teenager. Good riddance you will hear me say. Me and my mum were better off without him.

    Letter writing was suggested. I had never done it before and I was rather sceptic. But it really helped. I don’t make a habit of talking about him and hardly do. But since counselling, if I talk about him, I can do it without gritted teeth and tension. So it doesn’t make me angry or ill anymore.

    I even wrote one for my dog.

    Each letter got processed differently.

    It was only me and my counsellor who knew what was in those letters.

    I don’t forgive dad. But I still was able to let go in a way that it didn’t rent space my head anymore or affect me. It was for me. No one else.

    I only needed to write those two letters. But sometimes someone else may feel the need to write more.

    I hope mine my personal explanation makes sense. Cos explaining it is where I have the trouble finding the words I feel.

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    1. This is very very helpful. Thank you for sharing it Liz. I may write that letter after all.
      “But I still was able to let go in a way that it didn’t rent space my head anymore or affect me.” / that’s my goal
      Thanks again.
      ❤️

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      1. That’s good.

        For me my goal was to find release and let it go.

        If I was to have been in a situation where someone was alive, it would have been the same. Just for me. Just to let go.

        And as my counsellor had said to me, had he been alive, it doesn’t mean that what I wanted to get off my chest was to show. It’s for yourself.
        After you have written it. You either put it away for a bit and then revist it if needed. Or after, as in my case, I could have gave to my counsellor to save until either wanting it back or for her to desroy. Or a ritual, burn or bury it for example.

        For me. I burnt the letter I written to dad.

        My letter to to my dog took a little extra work. I kept hold of it untilvI could let go of the guilt I carried, that I shouldn’t have been carrying in the first place. Once I could let go of the guilt, I then burnt that letter too. And afterwards, I painted a pebble with my dogs name on and I went on the walk that I used to do when walking him and I dropped the pebble in the brook aling that route before finishing off the walk. I wasn’t going to drop that pebble in the brook until first letting go of the guilt. It took nearly two months to do that one.

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  5. What would an apology do? Would it help you to feel heard? And if so, is there another way you might get to that? Those are the kinds of questions I ask myself. In some cases, finding other ways of validation and being heard by people very close, will help a lot.

    I’m not sure when I stopped needing an apology from my mother, but it tracks with not needing to be around her anymore. If I’m not faced with pretending or taking further abuse because of shared events and rituals etc., I’m okay. But man, it took a long time and feelings of loss and unfairness still well up from time to time. I read that you want to keep this relationship, so you’re smart to be careful with the process.

    Rooting for you!

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    1. Thank you so much for your support Stephanie! The relationship has been deteriorating for years (politics played a part) but it’s important to me to avoid total estrangement. Your comments help. The “shared events and rituals” are definitely problematic, aren’t they? In this case, I definitely made myself heard and fully expected an apology. Stupid me! Some people, especially of older generations, just do not apologize. Ever.
      So the distance widens again…

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      1. You might try finding a million little things to apologize for in their presence and see if it wears them down. “Oh, I apologize I didn’t see you there, so n so..” “I’m terribly sorry not to have noticed you carrying that tray by yourself…”

        :)Tongue-in-cheek, but if they are feeling any conscience conviction it could help them/push them to make the hurdle.

        Sadly I think you’re just right about the older generation (and into our Gen Xers a bit) not apologizing. 😦

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