The Responsible Ones

~ MaryG

I was talking with a couple in their early 70s who have three adult children. One of them is extremely difficult and now finds herself amidst a divorce with no real skills, no money, and no job. This is despite the fact that she was raised with supportive parents and a great deal of privilege. Her parents (my friends) are now supporting her financially…as parents tend to do (if they are able).

My warning to them was this. Think of your relationship with your other children. It’s alienating to watch your parents continue to bail out an irresponsible person. (It’s even worse to get dragged into a sibling’s problems against your will.) Parents of adult fuck-ups need to consider what they may have done to create this needy person and stop doing it. Granted there are very real problems for which adults need assistance (i.e. addiction, illness), but at some point you just have to be fair.

If one of your children used your hard-earned money to go to college (and graduate on time), got a job, raised a family, pays her bills, pays her taxes, invites you to her home for countless holiday meals, etc. And the other one is constantly in crisis mode, with no responsibilities other than herself. Beware of your actions. The responsible ones are watching.

Duck fat biscuits with lemon mint butter and cranberry jam at Greenleaf—a delicious Black-owned restaurant in Milford, NH.

21 thoughts on “The Responsible Ones”

  2. Amen. When the parents are no more, the siblings will fight with the non-responsible one, because he/she will think that they’re entitled to equal parts of the heritage although they received a bailout package many times over.

    I’ve seen it myself, it broke families apart and gave whole armies of lawyers ammunition to process over years. Quite a sad state of affairs.

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    2. As a parent, I feel badly for other parents in these tough situations. But as one of the responsible ones, I feel compelled to warn them about helping adult children too much.

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      3. I am on leave. Still. I need a longer break. I might do a post in the near future, explaining some things. But I’m not ready yet. We’re fine 😊 Thank you 🌞 Have a wonderful Sunday 🙏

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  4. I think there is a line between helping during a rough patch and enabling. I think a great gift a parent can give a child is the ability to be self sufficient and stand on their own two feet. I’ve met people who rely on their parents well into their adult life never trying to forge an independent life for themselves. They have it too easy, so why lift a finger? Sometimes it’s best for the little bird to leave the nest.

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    1. Exactly. And this “enabling,” when it goes on for years and years, can damage other relationships in the family, which were otherwise fine. (I have some personal experience with this, as you may have guessed.)

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  5. Definitely felt this post. I’m the youngest, but have always been the most responsible. It’s a weird thing. And it’s hard because you always have to wonder how one kid turns out to be responsible but the others simply don’t. I feel like one of my siblings got a lot of help, free ride on certain things etc whereas I didn’t, and she still lives with that little bit of entitlement. Not a bad person, just…anyways I’m sure you get what I’m saying. And yummy! lol 😆

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    1. Thanks for commenting Laura! You’re right, it’s very weird how children of the same two parents can turn out so differently. The good part about being the responsible one is that you can take care of yourself. You don’t actually need them. You decide if/when to engage.

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