Yesterday we got together at my daughter’s house in central Massachusetts. My son drove out from his new apartment in the city. My daughter cooked a lovely meal for us. My granddaughter was able to sit at the table with us in her high chair. She watched us eat and talk and occasionally dropped one of her plastic stacking rings on the floor for someone to retrieve.
There were six of us around the table. And I loved it so much. My heart is full.
Before I became a grandmother, I asked a couple of people to describe how it felt to have a grandchild. I wanted to know exactly how it felt, as compared to becoming a parent. Do you love the grandchild just as much as your own children? Or is it a little bit less…like a “once removed” sort of feeling? How did you feel during labor & delivery? Do you worry about the baby’s health and safety constantly, like you did with your own children, or are you able to leave the worrying to the parents? Would you throw yourself in front of a moving train (or jump into the shark tank at the aquarium) to save a grandchild? Did you love the grandchild immediately (like a parent does) or do they need to grow on you over time?
Inquiring minds wanted to know!
To be honest, I never got a good, straightforward, detailed answer. Everyone just said things like “it’s amazing.” Some said, “it’s even better than being a parent.” My own mother said it was “exciting.” (Gee mom, that’s all you got? Not much of a description!) My sister-in-law said she “just wanted to cry.”
So, I’m going to go ahead and answer my own questions for other inquiring minds:
Do you love your grandchild just as much as your own children?
Yes. And I felt love the minute I saw the detailed ultrasound pics, with a clear little head and hands. It was primal. I wanted to cry. And the feeling of holding my child’s child for the first time was like…experiencing the greatest gift the universe has to offer. There’s no emoji for it!
Or is it a little bit less…like a “once removed” sort of feeling?
No, it’s not a once removed feeling. It’s actually doubled, because you love their parent so much too. It’s like you love each of them individually and you also love & celebrate the parent/child “couple.” I like happy pictures of my daughter and granddaughter together almost as much as cute pics of the baby alone.
How did you feel during labor & delivery?
Extremely anxious! Not going to lie—it was not fun! It may be worse when it’s your own daughter in labor.
Do you worry about the baby’s health and safety constantly, like you did with your own children, or are you able to leave the worrying to the parents?
Fortunately my granddaughter was born healthy to two responsible parents, so I do not worry about her healthy and safety constantly. But I do worry. I worry about infectious diseases and environmental toxins. I also worry about car accidents.
Would you throw yourself in front of a moving train to save a grandchild, if you had to?
Yes
Do you love the grandchild immediately (like a parent does) or do they need to grow on you over time?
For me, it was immediate.
My granddaughter is just under six months old, so that’s my report for now!
Do you trust your instincts?
Yes, I do tend to trust my instincts. I’m not one to sweep things under the rug. The downside of that is that I sometimes overreact to things.
I think parenting is one of those areas where it’s important to trust your instincts. If you think there’s something wrong with your pregnancy, baby, toddler, child, teenager, etc., you should act on it. It’s better to be wrong, than to let a real problem go unaddressed.
Listen to that little voice inside your head.
Create an emergency preparedness plan.
I once told a friend that, in the event of a nuclear attack on Boston, my plan was to put the kids in the minivan, hit “recirculate” on the a/c, and drive west. Surely, “recirculate” would keep the radiation out of our air supply. She laughed.
By the way, I did not enjoy the film “Oppenheimer.” It’s too long and confusing and mostly about politics. I couldn’t keep all the white guys straight. I thought it would have been better as a miniseries, with new characters rolled out each week. The blast scene was cool though. Terrifyingly cool.
What is a word you feel that too many people use?
EXHAUSTED, but maybe they’re just tired. Or sleepy, or weary, or bored, or stressed.
I feel “exhausted” should be reserved for extreme sleep-deprivation situations, like for parents of newborns.
Technically speaking, over the past 20 years, I’ve been a soccer basketball swimming tennis softball track chorus band theater dance and lacrosse mom. (Not all at the same time, thank goodness!) Like many parents, I’ve been to hundreds of games, meets, matches, recitals, concerts, and plays. Many, if not most, have been enjoyable to watch. The best ones are the ones where it looks your child is having a really great time doing whatever it is they’re doing.
There have been a few activities that were not optional for my kids. For example, learning to swim well was required, as was learning to read music (at least the treble clef). More than one teary battle was fought over swim team or band practice. Heck, I knew I wasn’t raising a Phelps or a Mozart, but if they ever fell off a boat, or wanted to sing along in church, at least they’d have a fighting chance! I also made sure they could ice skate. Living in New England, it seemed like a must.
So what’s the point of signing kids up…and paying…and driving them all over hell…for the optional activities?
In my opinion, number one is FUN. (If they’re not smiling or happy or excited for at least part of the time, something is wrong.)
Number two is physical FITNESS. Let’s face it, obesity is a lifelong battle for some people. We want our kids be active—to know what it feels like to be in good shape and to want to keep it up.
Number three is TEAMWORK. Being part of a team (or a band, or a choir) requires working together with others for a common goal, an indispensable skill.
Number four is MASTERY. It’s good to get good at something. Eventually, one or two activities emerge as the favorites. Continued participation, combined with some self-discipline and hard work, will hopefully result in a feeling of accomplishment.
Parents sacrifice a lot to have their kids participate in activities—money, time, sleep (my daughter was in a choral group that practiced at 7am 5 days a week). Carpools alone can require dozens of organizational e-mails and texts. So, before you sign your kid up for (fill in the blank), think about your reasons. They might be different than mine, but it’s good to know what they are.
Also, don’t forget to ask your kid if they want to be signed-up for a particular activity. They might say no, which is fine…unless of course it’s swimming lessons.
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