The Circle Game

Today my baby girl turns 30 and I am verklempt 🥺. When I turned thirty, I had the cutest little 4-month old baby girl. And now history is repeating itself and my daughter has the sweetest little 4-month old baby girl. It’s a joy and a blessing almost too poignant for words. It’s like once you have a child of your own, you finally understand how much your mother loves you.

Joni Mitchell’s song The Circle Game keeps playing in my head and bringing a tear.

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar 
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder 
And tearful at the falling of a star 

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams 
Words like when you’re older must appease him 
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round 
And the painted ponies go up and down 
We’re captive on the carousel of time 
We can’t return we can only look 
Behind from where we came 
And go round and round and round 
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now 
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town 
And they tell him take your time it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down 

And the seasons they go round and round 
And the painted ponies go up and down 
We’re captive on the carousel of time 
We can’t return we can only look 
Behind from where we came 
And go round and round and round 
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty 
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There’ll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through

And the seasons they go round and round 
And the painted ponies go up and down 
We’re captive on the carousel of time 
We can’t return we can only look 
Behind from where we came 
And go round and round and round 
In the circle game

© March 22, 1966; R. Joan Mitchell, then August 22, 1966; Gandalf Pub Co

1995
2025

Whacky Mom Confession

For those of you who successfully raised kids who are now independent young adults in their 20s and 30s, well done. It’s a heavy lift. From sleepless nights to FAFSAs, it’s not easy. I mean just keeping them fed, clean and alive for 18 years is a major undertaking.

People are understandably proud of their adult kids. They worked so hard to get them to that point!

I think it’s that primal, arduous journey of parenthood that makes becoming a grandparent the most incredible blessing imaginable, and I am not someone who typically uses the word blessing. But having a beautiful, healthy baby grandchild in your arms, smiling up at you, is like walking through a field of flowers on a sunny day with a double rainbow overhead. It’s pure joy. Pure love.

OK, here’s the whacky confession. After spending the day with my perfect baby granddaughter (and her lovely mommy) yesterday, I missed the baby the second I got home. So I requested that my 6-foot 180-pound 23-year old son—MY baby— briefly sit in my lap like when he was small. He obliged. He knows it’s easier to just humor me than to argue.

First day as a mother of two

Daily writing prompt
Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

Today is my son John’s birthday. It’s also Taylor Swift’s birthday and Santa Lucia day in Sweden – so it’s a big day around the world. (Lucia is my daughter’s name, so it’s interesting that he was born on her saint’s name day. And by the way, I’ve added visiting Sweden to my bucket list.)

I waited a long time (six years) to have a second child. I was happy with my one little girl and didn’t think I wanted more children. When I started to second guess that decision, I really agonized about it. I made lists of pros and cons, saw a therapist, and read a book about the environmental impact of having more than one child in a First World country: Maybe One by the great environmentalist Bill McKibben. 

In the end, my heart won out and we were so fortunate to receive the best Christmas present ever in the last month of the first year of the new millennium: an adorable baby boy. I was over 35, so I know I was lucky! On my first day as a mother of two, I felt that our family was complete. There was no turning back now. It felt like I had fully committed to this motherhood thing. It would be the most important part of my identity for the foreseeable future.

Christmas 2000

Related:

I’m someone’s mother

I’m someone’s mother

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

About a week after I had my daughter, I ventured out into the world without her. I left her with my husband in our apartment while I went to a pharmacy to pick-up the first photos of her. (This was 1995 and we still took actual film to Walgreens or CVS to get prints made.)

I remember thinking, “This is so weird. It’s not just me walking around anymore. I’m someone’s mother.” I wondered if I looked different, because I sure felt different. I was 29 years old.

There’s nothing like the responsibility of having a teeny, tiny human completely dependent on you to make you feel like a true grown up real fast.

Here’s one of the photos I was picking up at the pharmacy that day: my February baby 💕

Things I Will Miss About My Son’s “Cancelled” Senior Spring

  1. Seeing him play lacrosse, the game he loves, with his best friends for the last time
  2. Seeing him recognized as a team Captain on the field and scoring goals
  3. Hearing people cheer for him and hearing his name announced over the loudspeaker
  4. Senior Night
  5. Taking photos before the prom on the town common and seeing the entire class so beautiful and happy
  6. Watching him walk across the stage to accept his diploma
A happy memory of the team celebrating after a big win over a rival