adult children

Sibling equality

~ MaryG ~ 3 Comments

I’m sad about Rob Reiner and Michele Singer being murdered by their drug-addicted son.

I mostly feel badly for their other three adult children.

I have no idea what went on in this family, but I can relate to the situation of having a sibling for whom life is considered “more difficult” and is therefore indulged and supported endlessly—especially financially.

In my opinion, parents of adult children should keep careful track of how much money they give to each adult child. They should also consider the huge and selfless undertaking of raising children (aka their grandchildren) when sharing their resources.

If one adult child is allowed to act like a teenager into adulthood (aka Peter Pan Syndrome), you’re going to have problems.

Equity matters. Sometimes tough love is required. Never ask a healthy, functioning adult child to get involved in their sibling’s problems. (That’s up to them, if they want to do that.)

Having multiple children is a choice. Siblings may or may not get along later in life. One way you can increase your chances of family harmony is to expect adult behavior from adults. And keep track of how much financial support you provide each adult child. This may sound cold and calculating, but it can help you see things more clearly, when needed.

27-year old orphan Romy Reiner with her late father Rob. This poor girl found her parents’ bodies and had to name her brother as the killer. How did it get to that point? What choices were made?

Class of ‘87

~ MaryG ~ 23 Comments

I have a couple of updates for you on the college class of 1987 (high school class of 1983). Most of us were born in 1965, so we are turning 60 this year. One of my best friends from college turned 60 yesterday. She broke the ice. Now the rest of us will follow…if we’re lucky. Making it to 60 is not a given. We’ve lost people—mostly to cancer, but sudden massive heart attacks have taken down a few of the men.

I appear to be the only grandparent in my college class of about 500, which is wild. A few people still have kids in high school, so I guess we tended to have kids late, but still…it’s a vivid illustration that the birthrate actually has cratered in this country.

Another observation is that people truly do age differently. Some people look 40 at 60, and some look 80. Money seems to be a factor, but not the only one. Most people are still working, but they’re either talking about retirement or saying they will never be able to retire. “Work ‘til I die” is some people’s retirement plan.

There is both a lot of concern—and a fair bit of bragging—about adult children in their 20s. “You’re only as happy as your least happy child” seems to be true. (But if you’re posting an effusive happy birthday message, with multiple pictures, for a 27-year old who doesn’t even use Facebook, you may need to let go a bit.)

Our parents, if we still have them, are very old now. I know of only one other classmate with two living parents like me. More of our mothers are still alive than our fathers.

For the first and oldest official GenXers, the Eighties was our decade. Nobody has quite so many formative memories of those years as we do. Do not challenge us to an 80s trivia quiz, because we will win. And we will also look back on it all with slightly rose-colored glasses. We’ll forget the bad stuff and laugh about that time we ate pot brownies at school and Mr. Ullman’s physics class finally made sense.

I never did see anyone get pizza delivered to a class like Jeff Spicoli, but that would have been amazing.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High came out the summer before our senior year in high school.
My 1984 look
The pizza delivery scene

The Responsible Ones

~ MaryG ~ 21 Comments

I was talking with a couple in their early 70s who have three adult children. One of them is extremely difficult and now finds herself amidst a divorce with no real skills, no money, and no job. This is despite the fact that she was raised with supportive parents and a great deal of privilege. Her parents (my friends) are now supporting her financially…as parents tend to do (if they are able).

My warning to them was this. Think of your relationship with your other children. It’s alienating to watch your parents continue to bail out an irresponsible person. (It’s even worse to get dragged into a sibling’s problems against your will.) Parents of adult fuck-ups need to consider what they may have done to create this needy person and stop doing it. Granted there are very real problems for which adults need assistance (i.e. addiction, illness), but at some point you just have to be fair.

If one of your children used your hard-earned money to go to college (and graduate on time), got a job, raised a family, pays her bills, pays her taxes, invites you to her home for countless holiday meals, etc. And the other one is constantly in crisis mode, with no responsibilities other than herself. Beware of your actions. The responsible ones are watching.

Duck fat biscuits with lemon mint butter and cranberry jam at Greenleaf—a delicious Black-owned restaurant in Milford, NH.